Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
