Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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