You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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