The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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