omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize