do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
