Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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