Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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