I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
