just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
