I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
