Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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