I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize