Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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