Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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