That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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