So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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