U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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