I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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