If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
