new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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