I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
