I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
