anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
