Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
