is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
