tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
