dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
