you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
