i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
