I'll bet she douches with gravy.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
