I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
