I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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