god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
