So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so much tequila, so little girl.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
