To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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