I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
