hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
