I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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