I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
