I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
