If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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