I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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