Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize