my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
