if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
