im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it's like iHOP with fire
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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