Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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