I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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