Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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