i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
