I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
