Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
