i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize