I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i already hear my dad disowning me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
