Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
