I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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