I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
