I am midnight drunk by noon
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I understand Curling. That high.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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